To my dearest

This past few months I've been engaged to a lot of thinking, especially about you. I can't hide to myself that I still love you and I am still wanting and needing you. It's very hard for me because even though I keep on convincing myself that I've moved on, I know to myself that I haven't. I'm sorry if I'm saying this to you. I just don't know what else to do. I'm very confuse. Confuse in the sense of I know that we're over but I just don't feel like it. I'm sensing a little piece of hope about us but in the way things are happening right now, it is just so impossible knowing that you already have moved on. It hurts to think about that honestly. Actually just a thought of you hurts me. That's why I hate thinking of you and I hate myself even more because I can still remember every details of our shared moments- from Sept. 3 down to Feb. 7. Physically I look fine but emotionally and mentally are different- way different.

One more thing I hate myself for is that I failed to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I failed to love you in the best way I can. And I really don't like it. I'm scared about loving too much and getting less in return. That's very selfish of me and I hate it! But the thing is the break-up just came so unexpectedly...

I'm finding so much courage in writing (typing) this message to you because I'm pretty sure that I won't be seeing you for a long time or maybe forever. April 5, that's the last time I saw you and probably that WILL be the last time I'd be seeing you.

Though I still love you, I'm aware that you won't be needing me anymore. I'm just going to continue to love you without getting any in return. I'll love you in a very silent way. Though it's only one-sided, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I care for you. I'm not pathetic to think that no one will rescue me from my downfall, of course someone will but until then I'll be loving you in a very very silent way that only I can know and feel.

I'm always here for you. Please do remember that.